warning: mature content

“So this is where all the hot chicks hang out.”

“I wouldn’t know, not lookin’ for hot chicks,” I reply, thinkin’ —

“Oh my god, is this one of those lines that might be cute, endearing or even — sexy — if the right guy said it?  Because I really can’t believe this guy I have never met before just said this to me before even saying hello and shaking my hand and oh my god, what was I thinking?  Ok, c’mon now, be open.  Be open —

“Just be open.”

It’s snowing a little bit outside and the gallery just opened.  I extend my hand and make the introduction official.

We head down the hall to the exhibit, making small talk about the architecture and the last time he was here and out of the corner of my eye I take note of a small sign —

“Hmmm.  A polite warning of sorts,” I think.

And then — on second thought —

“Odd, is it not?  I mean — Michelangelo’s David didn’t come with a ‘mature’ label — ”

And it is only myself I have to blame.  My idea.  My gallery passes.  My notion of a low pressure, interesting, non-threatening first meeting —

Yeah, right.

How’s this for an innocuous way get to know each other — a stroll through three galleries gorged with —

Severed penises.   Hanging in droves from the ceiling.  Spewing social commentary.  Floating in jars.  Strung to the end of netting.  Grafted on to plants.  Chained to the ground.

Masquerading as caterpillers.  Or — if you prefer — chrysalises.

Neon colored parakeets.  Caged and perched — erect.

I find myself especially drawn to a piece with a netted brain tethered to the requisite anatomy —

Tetsumi Kudo’s “Wandering Boy Forever Attractive” —

But — let’s continue, shall we?

Because I don’t know about you, but I sure am curious about how a guy who delivers a first line with “hot chicks” will possibly capitalize on this big — uh —

Home team advantage.

And you know I can’t help thinking about what he’s thinking it means that I’ve invited him to this penis arcade — I mean —

Well — what would you think?

Sure ‘nuf — toward the end of the exhibit, Kudo’s “Monument of Metamorphosis” —

A gigantic phallus relief hewn out of a wall of rock —

Hits him like a handful of Viagra.

And after mentioning that at 53, he still has a very strong libido, he adds —

“Sure wish I had 82 feet to give the ladies.”

” Sure wish I could pretend I never heard you say that,” I think.

And you know what?

That’s exactly what I’m gonna do —

Right after I give my number to Wandering Boy Forever Attractive.