letting go

I’m not sure what I’m about to say.

My head is empty.  Dark nights of the soul.  Soul searching with no end in sight. 

It’s been unbearable.  Because despite numerous interventions —-

I cannot change it.

Cannot will it to change.  Force it to change.  Or politely ask it to change. 

Won’t help to put a smile on it.  Or choose my attitude.

I’ve tried — all of these tactics. 

It persists. 

And I cannot accept it.

But I can accept that I cannot change it —

And that it has now changed me — in ways I regret —

My god, why do I always hang on too long?