thankful for cellulite?

Chemistry is an amazingly spooky thing.

Especially when it comes to relationships.

Because let’s face it — if there was predictive modeling for finding two people who are on the same page, both thinking the same thing about each other and what they’d like to do next — well —

the only time it would be right would be —

when it was wrong.

Because relationship chemistry is just that — spooky.

Consider a friend’s play by play coverage of a match.com second date.

“We were saying good night and he said, ‘I bet you have a good body.’

‘Do you? Do you have — a good body?’

“I said, ‘well, yes — if you like cellulite.’ I mean,” she continued, outraged, “can you believe he asked me that?”

“Oh c’mon,” I snorted, “if you thought he was hot, it’d be a whole different story.”

And we all know it would.

Whether we think someone’s hot — or not — has everything to do with whether they get cellulite — like a crucifix thrust at a vampire — or the big green light.

So, I must ask, what is it that makes someone hot?

Is it what they wear?

Hmmm. I have a personal embargo on plaid shirts — double embargo on short-sleeved plaid — and I don’t even like to think about tucking plaid.

But then again.

I’m picturing a certain man right now gracing me with his plaid — and well, he’s nothin if not — hot.

So if it’s not what they wear, maybe it’s what they do — their table manners?

I dubbed a guy “broccoli chomper” to explain to my friends why I could not possibly be interested. And my friend nixed a guy for a slow swallow. She even told him so. To his face.

“Just swallow it! I can’t believe how long you’ve been chewing that!”

But then again.

The right guy can eat a whole bloody steak without even cutting it, and he’s “cute.”

So there.

Aren’t we just wasting our breath with words like —

“Nail biter.”

“Toothy.”

“Grabby.”

“Cheap.”

“Scuffed.”

“Over-scented.”

“Zubaz.”